Looking back...

I was peeking in on an online friend's blog tonight....she and I had our boys under very similar circumstances (pre-eclampsia for both of us..our boys only being 6 days apart) and her entry for tonight got me looking back at where we were three years ago today. It just so happened that the journal I wrote in each day of Luke's 35 day hospitalization was sitting here on the computer desk with me. Here is what the entry said....

Jan. 14, 2003
Day 12
Weight: 3 lbs 3.39 oz (thats 1453 grams for those of you who are interested!)
Luke is getting 27 cc's per feeding....gavage-feeds
"Mommy is here again, sitting by your isolette, watching you. You're sound asleep with your binky in your mouth. We just had our 'date', and Mommy has decided that she is never going to stop kissing you once she can hold you more! I just love kissing you! :) Tomorrow is your baby shower, and Aunt Heidi, Aunt Amy and Aunt Diana are all coming to celebrate. You weren't supposed to be born just yet, Little One, but now that you are here, I am sure we'll receive LOTS of blue things! :) Love you, Pumpkin! I am so thankful to God for giving me such a wonderful little boy!"

Here he is that day...


I vividly remember this day now that I read my journal. I always called the short times I was allowed to hold him our "dates". :) I remember sitting there next to his bed after one of these, just staring at him for the longest time. I was alone, as Ty had to be at work at it was mid-morning...almost lunchtime. It was dark in there, as we were in the only semi-private little room of the NICU and I remember feeling so warm. Hot even. I also remember feeling so lonely....as if no one else could really grasp what it felt like to be a mother sitting there watching your tiny, precious child sleep behind that glass. I can even still hear the beeping of the machines around me. And I remember wondering if he was ever going to come home with me. Alas, he did....over three weeks later. And here we are today. It is very strange to look back at this journal now. Very surreal. My journal entries were always letters written to Luke...positive notes to tell him how deeply I loved him and to share my hopes and dreams for him...to him. They (the entries, I mean) were never about my own crisis at the time or the feelings of helplessness and fear I had. I'm not even sure I knew how to quantify all those things then. All I knew was how to survive....how to get through the moments. It wasn't until much later that stress had subsided enough to allow the yucky feelings to surface. :( Strange, isn't it?? We never really think that we are strong enough to get through something until we have no choice. Looking back, I certainly never thought I could endure something so horrible! And people used to ask me that all the time...."How on earth did you get through that? I don't think I could ever do that!" But just as so many of you reading now can attest to....you just do. You get through it on a strength that is not your own. And you find that you are much stronger than you thought you ever could be. We all are.