The beginning of the end....

So I am sad to say that I think that we are on the road the the end of nursing. :( And before I even get into why, I have to say that I have quite the mix of emotions about this! About 75% of me feels sad, both because I am finding myself again unable to produce sufficient amounts of milk for my sweet child (I'm sure you all remember my plight with breastfeeding Luke....10 months total, 35 straight days of exclusive pumping...having to unteach Luke bottle feeding and having to train him breastfeed after the NICU....8.5 months spent on endless two week cycles of Reglan to increase my supply, which I will tell you is hellish!!! and having to continually supplement with pumped milk because he just wasn't a great nurser! ) and also because Ellie is my last child. I don't really want this part of her infancy to be over! It has already gone by waaaayyyy too fast! Further still, the end of breastfeeding means more money spent on formula for the next 4 1/2 months. She does take a bottle on occasion now (whoohooo!!!) , but will only down about 2-3 ounces at a time. But hey...at-least she's taking it! And granted....she eats plenty of solids now too (like a whole banana and a big bowl of oatmeal/rice cereal in ONE SITTING!) so the amount of formula she will require will be lessened in that respect. But still, formula is dang expensive!!!

Yet on the other hand, I am kind of looking forward to some of the aspects of this new 'no-breast' chapter. A little more personal freedom for me (you mean I can actually leave my child for more than 3 hours at at time????!!!)...the ability feed her much more readily on the go....no more unflattering nursing bras :) .......and of-course finally being able to work on shedding those last lingering pregnancy pounds!! So there are some good things about it. At-least that is what I keep telling myself. And I try to push away those nagging, guilt-ridden thoughts when they bubble up.

For now though, I think that I will continue to nurse at the times when I know I have milk to offer (usually in the early to late morning) and then I will try again before bed, but I know that will most likely only be the beginning of the end and that my supply will likely dwindle after that. But at-least its something....for awhile anyway. And maybe this cutting back phase will give me some time to accept it all and feel better about it. For tonight however, writing about it has actually made me feel a bit more down (usually it helps), so I think I had better get going for now. Sorry for the jumbled, disjointed way in which I'm writing tonight....guess I'm having a harder time quantifying my feelings than I thought! Maybe sleep will help. Off to bed for now. Night.