Ahhhh...the
up's and
down's of pregnancy hormones. Am I hormonal???? I
must be. There really isn't any other explanation for
why I feel as I do. I'm actually quite sensitive the last two days. Not moody or cranky, really. Just sensitive to
a lot more than I usually am. Sensitive in a way that makes me feel sad and lonely more often. :( I'm in a funk, and I don't like it. Especially when I only have four more weeks left until our little
missy arrives. I want to
enjoy these last few weeks and make the most of having one on one time with Luke during the day and Ty in the evenings, because I know those days are now numbered. But even the things that I
want to do, I don't feel physically up to doing. I'd love to head to the zoo to use our passes one last time before she arrives, or spend a day at the beach. Or take Luke to the park to play (he hasn't been in what seems like ages because it's been so hot!). But all those things require so much exertion on my part that I don't truly believe I could handle it. Especially when its so hot. I feel frustrated and I feel like I'm
jipping Luke. Poor child. He
needs to play outside and be active more than he is. HOW do other pregnant woman do it this late in the game? I'm not one to usually be a wimp about things...I'm usually quite self-sufficient and active....but now I have to both rely on others
and I tire easily or I'm so uncomfortable that I can't do what I'd like to, which is hard for me. And then, I feel guilty for complaining or moaning about how tough
everything feels. Hopefully, you all know me well enough by now to know that at ANY time, I feel
extremely blessed and lucky to be sitting here typing to you at 34 weeks pregnant, with a healthy pregnancy. I truly, in my heart of hearts, do
NOT take any of this for granted! I know what it's like on the 'other side' and I thank God all the time that I'm not there right now! But does that gratefulness also require me to keep quiet about how hard it is sometimes? Sometimes it feels like I'm not allowed to voice it. Or maybe I don't
allow myself to voice it, I don't know. Then there is the other side of that coin....the twinge of guilt and irritation I feel when people say "See....now this is what you've been "missing" with Luke's pregnancy. You're sure experiencing now, aren't you?" or "It's not all that it's cracked up to be, huh?" It feels almost as if
they are telling me to shut up and stop moaning about it.....this is what I asked for after all, right? :( (And no Mom, I'm not pointing fingers at you....I've heard these things several times). Feels kinda crappy. And I know that whenever something like that is said, it's not said to be malicious....no one would intentionally be mean. I know that. It just doesn't
always come across as maybe it was intended. And yes....I DID ask for this (many, many, many times!) and I AM grateful (more than probably anyone could know!) but I can't say that the fact that every single bend or twist hurts, or how each step I take is riddled with either back, tummy, or foot pain....that having to sit to 'rest' so often makes me feel like others see me as a wimp, or that sleeping in hour spurts at night and waking fitfully in pain or a hot sweat and THEN having to care for a little boy all day and keep our home in decent condition, food on the table (and in the pantry) AND then be in a pleasant mood about it all isn't tough. Grrrrrrrr...........maybe tomorrow will I will feel better.
Alright....enough of a rant. Just one picture for today to share....as Luke and I were hanging out in the afternoon after his nap, he found a book in the coffee table that my mom had give me recently. He plopped his little nakey body down on the couch and began flipping through the pages. I guess he was feeling the need for some preparation too....
It is a book about the history of birth through the ages. Pretty interesting. I was able to snap a quick shot of him (a blurry one at that!) just as he was deciding he was 'done'. I just thought it was quite ironic that he picked THAT particular book. :) Silly kiddo.
Well....I'll blog again soon. I have to get some computer work done this morning before my little guy awakens. Until then.......
6 comments:
Kris, you are such an amazing and wondeful person/mom...you will get through your slump. Just think in a few short weeks all the frumpy will turn into the most wonderful time. All the hormonal days that you have had will be so worth it...so turn that frown upside down. xoxoxo Jenny
You have every right to feel what you are feeling. Just because you are grateful that you made it this far and you wouldn't trade in any of these wonderful 'side effects' doesn't make them any easier to bear. During my pregnancy I got into NUMEROUS funks and had many aspects that I did not enjoy and I 'complained' about them. There is no reason that you should have to 'hide' your feelings just because you are 'lucky' to have made it this far. Everything you are feeling is completely justifiable and I don't think anyone would mean to tell you or imply that you shouldn't say or feel what you are going through! And a side note - I could not even imagine being pregnant in 100+ degree weather so I think you are holding up better than I would have!! I can't wait to see you next weekend! Love,
Amy
Kris! I love you. You are so strong and such an amazing mother and wife. You have every right to complain, being pregnant is hard! I didn't even have to be pregnant for the last month, and I was such a complainer and crier! I felt just as you did, very lonely and sad and UNCOMFORTABLE. You are doing such a great job. It only takes a very strong woman to be pregnant like you are and have a little toddler and handling it as well as you are. You are definitely not taking anything for granted. Everyone is happy for you that you have been able to have a healthy pregnancy thus far. BUT saying all that, it doesn't make pregnancy any easier! So, if you want to complain...call me, email me, COMPLAIN AWAY!!! It is okay to need help, love and comfort. You are doing the hardest job there is. Hang in there, as I have learned...this too shall pass. Luke knows he is loved and loves you very much whether or not he gets out side everyday to play. He sure looks like a happy kid in that picture! So, go put your feet up and enjoy a nice cold lemonade! I love you!
Love,
Heidi
Hi...now not that I can obviously give any advice on pregnancy or anything like that, but I might say that I at least KINDA know how you feel. Lately all of my different emotions seem to have a mind of their own and you kinda just have those days where nothing you do or try to do is good enough, and today was my day where I just had to let out the things that had been bothering me lately. When I was listening to myself speak I could just hear myself sounding soo bad, so in that aspect of what your saying, I understand. Wait..that makes it sound like what your saying is bad, which it definitely isn't..sorry bout that! Ughh I'm rambling...back to the point that sometimes you just need to let it out and I guess that we both had our turns at that. All you said sounds completely understandable, you do not come across in a bad way, whatsoever. From what I see you're a GREAT mom!! :) And just think of how worth it all of these struggles will be when you see your little girls pretty face! BTW, I do not wanna come across as if I am preaching because who am III to preach, but in this novel of a comment, just wanted to say that in a different situation, I feel where your comin' from.
Lots of love to you now and ALWAYS!
Taylor :)
Kris,
Yes, it IS hard, and I feel badly for you when I see you so uncomfortable. A mom always wants to make it easier for her child and help in some way. But I think everything you're experiencing, both physically and mentally, is very normal. Pregnancy is definitely not always easy, and the last month or so IS really hard. I know I felt much of the same things you are feeling. You're a really great mom, and have so much patience with Luke--I really admire it and you're so much better at it than I was! So you just do the best you can and take each day as it comes--and turn up the air conditioning or hope it will get cooler!--and look ahead at the "reward" at the end. I had a friend who told me to think ahead, 2 weeks, 4 weeks, whatever it was, and picture yourself after the birth, holding your baby and having sole possession of your body again--and just keep thinking of that picture.
It helped me, so maybe it would help you too.
I love you! Mom
Hi Kris,
I just read your taking a ride on the hormone coaster blog and I want to tell you it's ok too. Heidi said some wonderful things and I want to ditto them. Don't beat yourself up about your feelings. They're real, they're genuine, and they're yours! Don't feel guilty. I was once told guilt is a useless emotion. You have every right to complain when something hurts. You're body is not your own right now and it's frustrating! I agree that Luke knows he is loved and even if he doesn't play outside for the next month or two, it won't hurt him. He won't remember not being able to go outside. There are plenty of things for him to do inside I bet. You are an incredibly strong woman and I admire your strength. I hope you are feeling better, but if you aren't just relax, have a little cry, and think about the future. My mother-in-law always reminds me as Heidi said too, This Too Shall Pass. I love ya!
Roni
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