Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Midnight ramblings...

1:42.....that's what the clock on the computer reads as I sit here on the couch in the dark to write. You could hear a pin drop in my house...with the exception of Luke's white noise machine quietly humming from atop the stairwell and the occasional clank of Tess's collar on the tile in our bathroom upstairs as she shifts positions in her sleep. The world is asleep. But I am here in blog-land. I cannot seem to drift into a sound slumber. I've actually been laying awake in bed for sometime now....thinking...and analyzing.... praying...and planning. I hear Luke cough in his room. We are both sick now. :( He is fairing this cold much better than I am however, and seems to be on the mend. I, on the other hand, feel downright miserable. I was blindsided with it yesterday, and spent a lonely night sleeping in the extra bed that currently resides in the baby's room. I am there again tonight. I would hate for Ty to catch this nasty thing. And besides, I am finding myself awake half the night anyway, either sniffling, sneezing or coughing, and my poor hubby needs his rest. Man! I hate being sick!! I hate it even more when there is very little I can take to relieve this crappy, eyes watering, sore throat, stuffy head, heavy chested feeling. It's settling into my chest now and I think I might just injure this poor babe in my belly somehow, between the gut-wrenching velocity of my sneezes and this hacking cough. Is that possible? Sometimes it feels like my stomach muscles are going to split down the middle...I actually have to hold my belly for support. Poor child. She is getting jolted around in there! She's been a lot more active today, I've noticed. She's probably kicking me from the inside, thinking to herself "Can't a girl get some sleep around here?!" (That is, if she was able to form complex thoughts yet...which she can't!) :) As I laid in bed a little while ago, I felt her having the hiccups for the first time. They were strong little buggers too! I imagined her in there, with her little chest jolting time and again from the spasm. Oooohhhh, how I long to hold her! And to see her face. But not for 13 more weeks or so! :)

I am officially 6 months now...25 weeks on Friday. It's going by so quickly. Too quickly in some ways. I'm starting to notice that I have good days and harder days lately. A combination of pregnancy hormones and an increasing sense of worry, I think. Monday was one of the hard days for me. I was just in a mood all day and could not shake it. I felt a sense of dread that morning for some reason. A sense that the cards are stacked against me right now and that this pregnancy won't end up turning out as I have hoped and prayed. A feeling that things are moving faster in some indescribable way than they should. I hardly know how to explain it. But I didn't like feeling that way. I am trying so hard to stay positive and to take each day one at at time, but some days, it's hard not to fall victim to the fear. Monday was one of those days. Just a mood, I guess. An 'off' day. I don't like those times much though. I tend to actually feel guilty for feeling worried. Almost as if I let all of you down when I'm not feeling strong. :( Its hard. (sigh...)

But...yesterday, my spirits seems a bit better, despite how horrible I felt physically. I was up for the day at 4:15...just couldn't sleep....and my mental energy was back for while in those wee hours on the morning. I got 2 loads of laundry done and the house picked up before my boys woke for the day and was looking forward to my swap-day with Tami. I had planned to get to Target to add just a couple of things to my little baby registry. A much easier task to accomplish without Luke. It was a travel day for Ty for work, so we were treated to having him home for a bit of time in the morning. As the morning wore on though, and I finished up showering, I realized that I wouldn't be able to drop Luke off with Tami due to his lingering cold (I didn't want to expose them to it!) so I called and cancelled. :( Bummer. Once Ty left, Luke and I headed down to Redlands anyway and I just packed my bag full of snacks for the Target excursion. Surprisingly, he did pretty well in the cart as I browsed the baby isles. He snacked on his alphabet crackers and pointed out all the things he saw in the isles. "Diapers for Lutey, Mama!" "Loot-it, Mom! Banket (blanket) for Baby!" or his now favorite phrase in any store: "Have it! Have it, Mom!" THAT'S a fun one! Especially on the toy isle! :)

He fell asleep on the car ride home, like I wished I could do, and missed lunch again because of it. His sleep schedule is so screwy lately now that he's rising with the sun...usually around 5:30 or 5:45. He gets tired much earlier and has been missing lunch a lot due to falling asleep in the car. Hopefully, we'll be able to remedy that soon and get on a better schedule. We'll see.

Today is Children's Day at the hospital where I work, so after I hit up Employee Health for my annual screening, Luke and I will head out to the festivities. Its a day where kids from all over the area can come and learn about the hospital. My department runs many of the booths, so Luke is looking forward to seeing La-La (Laura) and some of our other work friends. All the kids are encouraged to bring a teddy bear for the Teddy Bear clinic, where they will learn about 'pokes' and hospital related things. If Luke is up for it, we'll do some finger casting too. Should be fun, if he's cooperative and not too shy. He's still on the young side for a lot of what today will hold, but that's okay. It'll just be fun to go.

Well....I s'pose I should try to head back up to bed for some sleep. We'll see how that goes! Hopefully, I'll have some pictures to post from our day today, which I'll try to do tomorrow. Okay.....off to bed.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kris,
I'm so sorry to hear that you're not feeling well, physically and emotionally. I'll pray that you get some sort of clarity and wellness soon. In the meantime, please let me know if I can do anything for you.

Kelli

Anonymous said...

Sorry you're not feeling well. I hate being sick when it's beautiful outside. Just curious how is your friends little boy? xo Jenny

Roni said...

Hi Kris,
Sorry you were feeling glum last week. You are a very positive person, but even you will have days like that. I wish I were more positive like you are! Keep your chin up. We are all thinking of you. I sure hope you are feeling better. I love the belly shots, you look so cute. Chat soon.
Roni