It has been quite some time since I came to this quiet spot to blog. But like a life-long friend, I find comfort and familiarity as I sit here mulling over recent months, making feeble attempts to articulate my absence. Yet contrasting my sense of ease as I come to type is how I feel so...umm...well, different. Changed in some intangible, inexpressible way. Four months. Longer than that really, if you count my dwindling posts in the latter part of 2009 and early 2010. I realize that I never really explained by sudden departure from sharing our life here. And quite honestly, there have been many days where I don't quite understand it myself. The best way I can sum it up is to say that my words were simply taken from me.
Most of you who know me well know that I see life in a series of analogies. Word-pictures. Even the simplest things of life often blossom into symbolic little tidbits for me that the Lord often uses to speak to my heart. For a long, long time, as I went about my days, these little tidbits would just pop into my mind or, at times, burn hot in my heart, and I simply just had to share them here. I felt driven to blog...encouraged to share my silly or subtle stories. But for whatever reason, as 2010 dawned, my words started to fade quietly away and the desire to blog dimmed like the fading sunset. In their place came a sense of dread when I thought of blogging. A feeling of obligation replaced the urgency to share. And most startling to me was how the word-pictures and symbolism seemed to die away. Life, in essence, got really, REALLY quiet. At-least life in this crazy little head of mine! LOL!
Looking back now, I sense that the Lord wanted to hush me. He wanted me to sit and be STILL. He wanted me to listen. He had some work to do in my heart and He knew that the only way to accomplish whatever it was He had planned was to take away my biggest distractions. And, knowing me as only He does, He knew that the only way for me to actually be still was to take away my drive to 'DO.' Photography, the blog, running....these are the things that always seemed to have me 'on the go', and they all fell away. I lost interest. I lacked motivation. It all simply felt unattractive to me.
Ironically, as my interest in those things waned, my deep desire to make the most of my time with the kids and Ty flourished, and I felt a keen pull to just be with them. Nothing else really seemed to matter more than just making the most of my moments and days and hours with them. Even my "gotta have it just so" attitude/perfectionistic qualities took a good long beating, and I found myself replacing all those "have-to's" with "whatever" and "whenever" more often.
Ultimately, as I try to quantify the "why's" behind all these things, I can say with certainty that the Lord wanted me to put first things first and get back to the basics. He wanted balance where there had been disparity. He wanted my motivation for things to come less from the sense of obligation or guilt and more from a deep desire to please only Him.
While I sense that much ground was gained on this journey He has set before me, there is still work yet to be done, as there is within all of us I am sure. But little by little, He is graciously returning my words, my motivation and my precious little tidbits of understanding. I can't say whether or not I'll be here to blog much, but I know that at-least *ONE* of you is still out there keeping an eye on us, so I will be sure to add a few pictures here and there so life doesn't continue to pass us by undocumented. ;) Our recent camping trip is certain to be recapped in a few days, so stay tuned. :)
